Helping Dads Understand the Mental Load of Motherhood

Nothing prepares you for the mental load of new parenthood. While there are definitely dad things you’ve looked forward to (pottering in the garage, or making children pull your finger), and other stuff you’ve dreaded (poop), the increased mental strain of managing the extra work that parents take on is rarely considered.

That unanticipated list of tasks can feel kind of nebulous, and even invisible: prioritising, organising, remembering, general fretting, and general fretting that your partner’s not generally fretting enough. But once a small, wrinkled, boob-hoovering alien is in your previously peaceful home, things get real, fast.

According to Australian Institute of Family Studies lead researcher Jennifer Baxter, in 78 per cent of households, the mental load of parenting is “‘always or usually’ carried by the mother”, and in a third of Australian homes, it always falls to mum.

All of which means it falls to you, dad, to make sure you’re doing your bit.

Here are a few tips to get you started.

1. Understand that you’re management, not hired help.

“I remember telling my husband that I felt like the only one of us who was keeping the household moving, and that without me it would all just collapse in a heap,” says Emily, a Sydney mother of one. “Chris said I just had to tell him what to do, and he’d do it—but that just meant that I had to be in the position of responsibility again, organising tasks. What I had needed was for him to take command of half of the parenting, thinking about the whole process through, so I could devote mental space to other things.”

This is unequal mental load in a nutshell, and it can be embarrassingly easy to have a blind spot when it comes to just how much your partner is taking on. In short, just being there is good, but to really make a difference, you really need to take ownership of an area (or, really, multiple areas). Take the initiative with specific things—meal preparation, swimming lessons, holiday booking, whatever—and devote both time and headspace to organising and planning so it’s not all on mum.

2. In this instance, it’s not (just) about what you’re physically doing

A stereotypical 1950s gender division of responsibilities—scary dad does the day job and discipline, Mum does most of the compassion (and all the housework)—is as outdated as it was problematic. But there’s no problem with acknowledging that each partner may have a superior skillset (or skillsets), even if that means dad mows the lawn while mum cooks a casserole (or vice versa).

The thing about mental load is that it doesn’t turn off once you’ve finished a physical task. All families with children require an organiser—someone whose ongoing running list of all of the to-dos in their head, from remembering vaccination dates to making sure there’s fruit in the fridge for tomorrow’s lunches. If it’s not you, it’s her. So think about how you can share this too.

3. Approach parenting like work

No, you don’t have to punch the bundy clock or glory in skiving off for lunchtime beers, but the sort of scheduling you do professionally has a place in raising your kid. In a nutshell, creating shared ‘to do’ lists, blocking off a regular ‘meeting’ time to plan the week and nut out issues, and setting ‘team’ goals that you can work towards (then tick off), is as useful in the home space as it is at work. “As a parent,” says mum writer Kirsten Metcalf, “it’s the small daily victories that make a difference.”

4. Mental load can be hard to talk about. Don’t make it harder

Ideally, you’ll identify whether there’s an imbalance on the mental load falling on one of you ahead of an argument. But chances are that the first time you consider an unequal division of stress may be when mother of your child brings it up.

Try not to get defensive. You probably will anyway, but at least take some time to consider your situation before you return to the table. You may have worked a 50-hour week digging ditches with a spoon in solid granite, and it’s legitimate to be completely cooked. But that doesn’t negate the every-waking-hour parenting stress that could be affecting your partner.

In the event that you’re the one shouldering the lion’s share of mental juggling, broach the topic carefully. Take note of all the things you do (but don’t ambush your partner with it or they’ll feel unfairly put on the spot to respond). Choose a calm time to talk, and try to work together to see where you can carve out more time for yourself. Then schedule a follow-up chat in advance.

5. Don’t be a dick.

“Don’t let the sun go down without saying thank you to someone,” said Stephen King, horror writer, “and without admitting to yourself that absolutely no one gets this far alone.” King is totally responsible for your irrational fear of clowns, but he has a point.

Harvard studies have shown that “gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships”.

Feeling ‘seen’ can feel like meaningless right-on mumbo jumbo… until you’re the one who’s invisible. And while mental load may end up being disproportionate, even at the best of times, taking the time to think about, and acknowledge, the unseen organisation that holds families together is a good start. Thanking your partner for their part in keeping the show on—or even vaguely adjacent to—the road isn’t just a great thing to do. It’s a really great dad thing to do, and there’s no loftier ambition than being a really great dad.

Written for Huggies by Ben Smithurst. Feb 2023. Ben is a father of two, dad blogger, and journalist from Sydney. You can find more of his work at directadvicefordads.com.au.

Reviewed by Jane Barry, midwife and child health nurse Feb 2023.